wish me luck...

well, no more drinking over the top. Footiam said, "Hey, what happen last night seems like fun. If only you don't have too much vodka and know what happened!"

And well, yeah i guess that makes sense...

but i am still clouded with guilt and shame, i am not that kind of guy and i think changing ones view on some things is not easy as it seems.

but i am getting ready to make one more try, and hope i wouldn't be too scared to make a move..

today is Monday and i still have five more days to think it over, hope i wouldn't change my mind.

I plan to go out on Saturday night and stay as late as possible....

whew... this is new and i say a bit harder than i thought.

wish me luck..... i need it!

for me..

I haven't tasted any alcohol today, I don't know if that's good news or what, but i just cant keep off thinking about what happened last night. Was that some kind of sick joke?

I came home early today trying to ward off that silly incident and remembered i haven't had dinner yet.

I opened my cup board only to find it empty, I really have to go shopping tomorrow or ill end up in another restaurant for my dinner.

I found a few stuff though, they have been in my fridge for a while but i think they are still edible but i just cant think how to make them into a real decent meal.

Its been a while since i cooked my own food and i think its about time i fix one for myself.

Hot dogs, carrots, lettuce, french fries, and a few slices of squid and a few ripe tomatoes. I was lucky to find mayonnaise and decided to toss a salad, i am not good in cooking but i hope it will be enough to satisfy my hunger.

a few dash of salt, pepper, some herbs, mints and other spices and a few minutes later, dinner is served.


It was not very appetizing but it sure does satisfied my hunger, the carrots was tender and crispy and it sure went well with the tomatoes, lettuce and the fries and hot dogs was wonderful.

I only hope i could sleep tonight and not go out again to drink just to sleep.

One night only..

I don't know what happened last night, I was too drunk to remember, or i guess i choose not to remember .

I was on the bar with my vodka when a young and beautiful lady approached me and is obviously in flirting mode and what was i thinking? I woke up and she was there beside me in my pad, in my bed, and totally naked.

Its monday morning and i have work so i insisted she has to go. This is absolutely some kind of madness, lots of girls have been flirting with me but i choose to ignore them but this time i kind of gave in to her temptation.

And to think, i don't remember her name, or number..

Oh geez, is this what they call a one night stand?

Was i that too naive?

Direction...

Another week gone and wasted, and another one about to start, but i am still having a hard time coping up with the headache i had from too much drinking vodka last night.

I usually don't have any hangover after drinking but i remember i had different mix of alcohol last night and that should have cause my head to ache.

But that's alright, i had been asleep all day, but the problem is will i be able to sleep tonight..

I am planning to go out again latter tonight but i really don't have any idea where to go..

I think i need to go somewhere else, A place to think and re asses my life.....

Again...

beginning...

Life had been very cruel to me, I had been battered with lots of emotional ups and down for as long as i remember. I thought it came to end when i finally met Lulay, unfortunately she was gone.

And here I am, alone, deserted, and feeling neglected again.

I thought i was about to write happy moments to share with you, I thought my blog will be filled with entries full of hope and happiness, but then i spoke to soon, and here i am writing another stuff from my broken heart.

I cannot refrain from crying, my heart just can no longer contain the hurt and loneliness, I just want to cry my heart out, the loss, the pain, and the feeling of loneliness just keep pulling me down to the abyss of darkness, and i am left with this broken dreams, and another broken heart.

Have i been so bad that i am being punished and all those that i love just cannot be with me?

Why have you left me Lulay? why did god take you away from me? He knew i need you, He knew you make me whole again, but why does he keep on punishing me? Have i done great evil that i deserve this?

I wanted to hate GOD, for being so selfish. For taking away everything that i love, but who am i to do that? I am just one of his creation. They say GOD love all that he created but am I an exemption?

OH GOD! Please help me, give me strength to face all the trials you brought upon me. Guide me and please do not release my hand from your grasp, i need you to help me as i journey in this troubled path.

I feel i had been battered to much, i cant take it anymore.

HELP ME, SAVE ME, GUIDE ME, that i will be able to reach another day with the promise of a good sunrise.

My Angel..

I just lost an Angel. I want to talk to her and ask why she has to leave, but i don't know how, I have so many questions but i know all these will remain unanswered.






I just hope she is happy wherever she may be... I hope she is waiting for me, ...

I just lost an angel but i know that same angel is watching over me...

on remembering..

2008 is now just a memory, weather it be good or bad everything is now just a parcel of our life, a part that completes the cycle of good and bad and a memory that will last forever.

Every year we are given a blank paper, and as the year progresses we write our life through our experiences in it, some will be written in pure black ink and will be remembered forever and others will be forgotten and will just be a blotch of ink in our paper.

2008 is one of the best year in my life. Though occasional thunderstorm came i remained rooted and now that the year has ended, to reminisce and enjoy the lessons we learned is the best way to remember and thank the year that has been.

I was once an ordinary boy who live in the memories of the past. Who think that these memories will always make me happy, but then i realized i was living in the past for too long, and these memories do more damage then help me. The time has come for me to stand and continue my journey and leave the past behind.

The confrontation of the past and the present is still a big battle for me, there are still times when i open my eyes in the middle of the night and wonder where i am.

I know i am still trapped in the middle of a crossroad one leading to the past and the other to the present. I know i have to make a step and decide, but then the big realization to make a step is already a big step for me, and i thank 2008 has finally come to tell me "Hey, you better start another journey or your journey ends here".

To "relive" the memory of the past is not an option but to make another memory that would finally fill in the gap made by lingering and living too long with these memories.

2009 is here to stay, and i hope as i am handed another leaf of paper to write another parcel of my life, i hope the journey will be something i will cherish and remember forever not because i have a "broken heart" but because my heart finally starts to live again.

A journey to remember that would give me inspiration to strive harder and believe that love will find a way to heal a heart broken to pieces.

Defeated?..

I know life is a gift from a supreme being. We are here for a reason and a purpose that we need to find and understand.

We are soldiers sent on a mission but the mission is highly classified. Communication is unclear for only through prayers that we send back to him our reports and improvements. You may sometimes doubt if your reports are heard and lose trust, but responses to your reports are send back to you but only the heart and soul could feel and understand.

But what will you do if the only thing that receives back the responses of your report is broken?

When during the war your heart was broken, you may be able to fix it and put the pieces together but it could no longer function very well.

That's why we have our soul. To accompany the heart and serves as a battery pack.

And that's what I a trying to do...

Though its not easy and still unclear how, but I am beginning to figure it out.

I hope somehow, my heart would soon recharge and make me feel that long lost rhythm of life..

Thank you to all those that helped me stand when my heart could no longer accept the blows of a human emotions...

my cautious heart...

The emptiness in my heart is growing faster and heavier. I don't know how to stop it and i don't know if it will end.

I think i tried all things to make it stop and live again, unfortunately the emptiness is slowly drowning me.

The past few months was great. I learned to go out and had some party. I even smiled and laughed my heart out, but then it stopped living again.

I remember my heart beating fast for the first time in so many years. The excitement and thrill was tremendous that i thought it will stay that way, but then here i am alone and feeling miserable again.

I am feeling lost and empty. I feel as if there's no more hope...

For the past weeks i tried partying again, but the music, the wine and the company do not offer the same excitement, as if the glaze of the melted sugar coating the party was lost and the sugar itself lost its sweet taste.

I tried doing my favorite past time, driving along the country road, but the sight that amazes me no longer make me sigh with relief and fill me with compassion.

As though i just got tired of everything and the climb to the summit is no longer rewarding.

As if my heart is saying "I've seen that!", "I'm tired and I'm bored"...

As if the question "What now?" is hanging in the air around me....

I think i need help...

I...

I thought i had my heart fixed! I thought everything is healed, but why cant i feel my heart beat again?

I had been hurt and lived through it for a very long time, and i thought i am ready to live and love again, but i don't know whats wrong or whats not right. Have i lived alone for so long that my heart was accustomed to being alone?

How many nights i wished i had someone in my arms to hold, to care and to love, but it seems my heart is no longer capable of loving.

I looked and take a second look on everyone but they just don't make a spark that could ignite the fire in my heart.

Am i just rushing things or is this my punishment in imprisoning my heart in long lost love?

I am again in the verge of collapsing, of being lost and in despair...

I thought i had all planed and i know where i am going but then i don't know....

I smiled and laughed and i thought my heart smiled and laughed with me...

I am not getting any younger but i don't want to fail in love again...

Is my heart just cautious?

or my heart is dead?

-----------------------------------

I hope someone will come soon and save it...

LIFE...

hmmmm....

I had been very busy for the last few days. Meetings, reports and deadlines seemed to have all dumped in my table and my life was just in complete chaos.

Wheew! what a week, I really have to remember this month and i hope it will never happen again.

Now at least the rush finally subsided and i hope the tranquil life i had before will now once more handed to me hehehe.

I really want to forget how many aspirin i took just to ease the pain of headache and to finally rest my eyes that only had an hour or so to rest for the past week and to finally rest my mind from the worries of the accounting world.

Numbers, debit, and credit is starting to haunt me and follow me even in my dreams.... And more formulas, and variances are trying to ruin my life.

But then they're just part of my job, I choose and love this job so i have to enjoy all the nightmares and headaches that goes with it hehe.

Wish me luck, I need it ....

And hopefully to have more time with my blog, seemed like my blog is becoming more like a xerox machine haha..

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 � inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

A new word meaning...

ADULT:A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:Something other people have, similar to my character lines

An old occupation

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

What terrence means?

What Terrence Means

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.
You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.
A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

thanks to normand hehehe!!!