Sunday, June 14, 2009

happy yet empty

life is full of happiness, you don't have to look far and wide, you just have to open your eyes so you may see..

laugh out loud, have party all night, be happy, but is the happiness reaching your heart? or it just simply pass and never touches it?

happiness is not just laughing, partying with girls and having lots of sex but with pleasures of the heart and by the hearts pleasures in order to feel true happiness.

am i making sense?

Monday, May 4, 2009

wish me luck...

well, no more drinking over the top. Footiam said, "Hey, what happen last night seems like fun. If only you don't have too much vodka and know what happened!"

And well, yeah i guess that makes sense...

but i am still clouded with guilt and shame, i am not that kind of guy and i think changing ones view on some things is not easy as it seems.

but i am getting ready to make one more try, and hope i wouldn't be too scared to make a move..

today is Monday and i still have five more days to think it over, hope i wouldn't change my mind.

I plan to go out on Saturday night and stay as late as possible....

whew... this is new and i say a bit harder than i thought.

wish me luck..... i need it!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

for me..

I haven't tasted any alcohol today, I don't know if that's good news or what, but i just cant keep off thinking about what happened last night. Was that some kind of sick joke?

I came home early today trying to ward off that silly incident and remembered i haven't had dinner yet.

I opened my cup board only to find it empty, I really have to go shopping tomorrow or ill end up in another restaurant for my dinner.

I found a few stuff though, they have been in my fridge for a while but i think they are still edible but i just cant think how to make them into a real decent meal.

Its been a while since i cooked my own food and i think its about time i fix one for myself.

Hot dogs, carrots, lettuce, french fries, and a few slices of squid and a few ripe tomatoes. I was lucky to find mayonnaise and decided to toss a salad, i am not good in cooking but i hope it will be enough to satisfy my hunger.

a few dash of salt, pepper, some herbs, mints and other spices and a few minutes later, dinner is served.

It was not very appetizing but it sure does satisfied my hunger, the carrots was tender and crispy and it sure went well with the tomatoes, lettuce and the fries and hot dogs was wonderful.

I only hope i could sleep tonight and not go out again to drink just to sleep.

Monday, April 20, 2009

One night only..

I don't know what happened last night, I was too drunk to remember, or i guess i choose not to remember .

I was on the bar with my vodka when a young and beautiful lady approached me and is obviously in flirting mode and what was i thinking? I woke up and she was there beside me in my pad, in my bed, and totally naked.

Its monday morning and i have work so i insisted she has to go. This is absolutely some kind of madness, lots of girls have been flirting with me but i choose to ignore them but this time i kind of gave in to her temptation.

And to think, i don't remember her name, or number..

Oh geez, is this what they call a one night stand?

Was i that too naive?

Sunday, April 19, 2009


Another week gone and wasted, and another one about to start, but i am still having a hard time coping up with the headache i had from too much drinking vodka last night.

I usually don't have any hangover after drinking but i remember i had different mix of alcohol last night and that should have cause my head to ache.

But that's alright, i had been asleep all day, but the problem is will i be able to sleep tonight..

I am planning to go out again latter tonight but i really don't have any idea where to go..

I think i need to go somewhere else, A place to think and re asses my life.....


Thursday, April 16, 2009

Bottoms up my Friend...

I'm back into drinking again, and this time there's no such thing as moderation, it's more like drink all you can, drink as fast as you could, the faster you get drunk the faster you sleep.

Don't preach about things alcohol will do to my health, I already know that but i need to forget and the fastest way to forget is to get drunk and sleep soundly as possible.

Yes, I know this is wrong but I am not out of my mind, I have to do this, I need to escape, I need to feel numb, I need to forget.

It is so easy for you to say, "Get a Life", but do you have a guide on how?

I had been lost, and the light that gave me direction simply vanished, do you know how hard and painful that can be?

It would be very easy for you to say "I do", but do you really know? or your just saying that to cheer me up?

My mind is clouded with pain, frustration and anger at the moment, I need time to heal the pain and rearrange my life.

I don't need your criticism, and preaching, I need your guidance and understanding.

Bottoms up my friend...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Life had been very cruel to me, I had been battered with lots of emotional ups and down for as long as i remember. I thought it came to end when i finally met Lulay, unfortunately she was gone.

And here I am, alone, deserted, and feeling neglected again.

I thought i was about to write happy moments to share with you, I thought my blog will be filled with entries full of hope and happiness, but then i spoke to soon, and here i am writing another stuff from my broken heart.

I cannot refrain from crying, my heart just can no longer contain the hurt and loneliness, I just want to cry my heart out, the loss, the pain, and the feeling of loneliness just keep pulling me down to the abyss of darkness, and i am left with this broken dreams, and another broken heart.

Have i been so bad that i am being punished and all those that i love just cannot be with me?

Why have you left me Lulay? why did god take you away from me? He knew i need you, He knew you make me whole again, but why does he keep on punishing me? Have i done great evil that i deserve this?

I wanted to hate GOD, for being so selfish. For taking away everything that i love, but who am i to do that? I am just one of his creation. They say GOD love all that he created but am I an exemption?

OH GOD! Please help me, give me strength to face all the trials you brought upon me. Guide me and please do not release my hand from your grasp, i need you to help me as i journey in this troubled path.

I feel i had been battered to much, i cant take it anymore.

HELP ME, SAVE ME, GUIDE ME, that i will be able to reach another day with the promise of a good sunrise.

Friday, March 20, 2009


I've been drowning my self with work lately. I even ask my office mates to show me how things are done that i might be of help to them.

They think i am just being helpful but they don't know i am just trying to help my self.

I want to tire myself, so tired that if i go home, i will no more have time to think and think of lulay. I want and i need to be asleep as soon i reach my pad.

And i think my strategy is working, and i am gaining more and more friends.

I don't know if what i am doing is good and right, but i need to refocus my attention.

I don't want to be in pain again. I need to move on, but as of the moment i need to reinforce my heart by tiring my body and mind, so it will just be numb and feel no more emotions.

I know this will pass. This is what Lulay wants, for me to stand whenever i fall.

Its hard but i have to do it...

I love you Lulay, wherever you are, watch and guide me...

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Why do heart's always remember and forgot to forget?

I was wondering why my heart seem to remember everything? Even the smallest and simplest detail of a certain event is so vivid that everything looks and feel like it just happened yesterday.

Looks like my heart was never taught how to forget and was only taught to remember.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

My Angel..

I just lost an Angel. I want to talk to her and ask why she has to leave, but i don't know how, I have so many questions but i know all these will remain unanswered.

I just hope she is happy wherever she may be... I hope she is waiting for me, ...

I just lost an angel but i know that same angel is watching over me...

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Goodbye Lulay, My bestfriend.....

I found someone whom i considered best friend, in times of pain and loneliness she had been my constant company, she may have not feel the pain, but i know she truly understand it, and that's why i loved her so much, a friend, an older sister, and sometimes a mother .

Unfortunately the friendship is short lived, she left me again, and her loss left me more pain and despair.

I don't understand why she have to go, and i don't understand why so soon, have i done something wrong and God is punishing me? Am i too bad that people i love and care have to leave me?

With her assistance, care and love, i felt my heart wounds slowly healing and the pain slowly fading away.

But now with her loss i am again lost, feeling empty and even more forsaken.

She will be cremated tomorrow. I want to accept the fact that she is gone and we will never meet again in this life but my heart just don't want to accept it.

I want to dedicate this note to my best friend "Lulay". Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart and mind. I love you friend, and i miss you so much and i will always miss you.

Her death is too big for me to handle, she was the only friend i got, but this time i am stronger, i know that because that is what she always tells me and that's what she wants me to be. I don't know how to continue life without her guidance and love, but i will find a way, she had been my inspiration and even she left me, her star will always shine for me, FOREVER!

Goodbye and thank you friend, till we meet again...

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

on remembering..

2008 is now just a memory, weather it be good or bad everything is now just a parcel of our life, a part that completes the cycle of good and bad and a memory that will last forever.

Every year we are given a blank paper, and as the year progresses we write our life through our experiences in it, some will be written in pure black ink and will be remembered forever and others will be forgotten and will just be a blotch of ink in our paper.

2008 is one of the best year in my life. Though occasional thunderstorm came i remained rooted and now that the year has ended, to reminisce and enjoy the lessons we learned is the best way to remember and thank the year that has been.

I was once an ordinary boy who live in the memories of the past. Who think that these memories will always make me happy, but then i realized i was living in the past for too long, and these memories do more damage then help me. The time has come for me to stand and continue my journey and leave the past behind.

The confrontation of the past and the present is still a big battle for me, there are still times when i open my eyes in the middle of the night and wonder where i am.

I know i am still trapped in the middle of a crossroad one leading to the past and the other to the present. I know i have to make a step and decide, but then the big realization to make a step is already a big step for me, and i thank 2008 has finally come to tell me "Hey, you better start another journey or your journey ends here".

To "relive" the memory of the past is not an option but to make another memory that would finally fill in the gap made by lingering and living too long with these memories.

2009 is here to stay, and i hope as i am handed another leaf of paper to write another parcel of my life, i hope the journey will be something i will cherish and remember forever not because i have a "broken heart" but because my heart finally starts to live again.

A journey to remember that would give me inspiration to strive harder and believe that love will find a way to heal a heart broken to pieces.