Sunday, March 30, 2008

Reminiscing but not living in the past!

I came home late yesterday night, finally i gave in to my friends request to go out with them, well i had been living in my shell for too long and i thought its time for me to have a night life, the experience was good and i felt better, and i feel thats not the last time i will be going out with them.
When I came home, i suddenly feel crowded in my room, I am living alone in a not so big apartment unit and was good about it, but now i feel as if the room is crowded and the urge to redecorate and rearrange the place is very intense.
I woke up early today, started to pack and unpack my closet, and to my surprise most of the things stored in there were all memorabilia of the past, I was a bit surprised to see all these things stored in my closet, I thought i had thrown most of them but sad to say here they are reminder of all the things done and past.
Mix feelings, emotions and thoughts started to pour over me, i don't know what to think and how to react, as if the pain of yesterday is once more alive, these memorabilia are like zombies, coming out and i don't know how to face them.
I want to move on, but still the pain is here again, but i have to face them now or never and i have to do it now and start living.
With a heavy heart i started to pack all my memorabilia in a black bag and hope that as i throw them i will be able to live my life, to think and reminisce them but no longer live with them.
Today as i write this entry, my heart is still heavy, but with high hopes that i will be able to
move on, to live life to the fullest and enjoy all the things that life has to offer, may it be good or bad, as Timon and Pumba said "Hakuna Matata" and tomorrow i hope life will already be in my side.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

On living...

Life is fair, but in my case life is not too fair, I love but lost, I tried but i failed, I live but i died.
I don't know if i am making any sense but this is what i feel, It seems as if life is not in my side, as if life simply don't want me around and its trying to make me quit by throwing all the bad things it can throw at me.
For so long i tried to hide but i learned my lesson in a painful way, there's no use in hiding, you have to face life and battle it face to face, try you're luck and make a choice, to remain a coward or face it and get the chance to win.
Chances are you will lost a hundred times but there will always be a chance for you to triumph, In my case I lost in this battle but i learned something, keep hiding and these bad things just pile up and might drown you, face it and chances are you can win. The only way to survive is to fight, to take a stand and stop being a coward, face the problem and find a solution, that is the only way to survive.
You are given natural defenses in this war, your friends are your allies, learn to share and trust them, learn to explore the weaknesses of your opponent by learning from the previous experiences of others, though no two things are alike, but you can always learn from them and slowly learn your move.
Your ability to think is your main weapon, use it wisely and try not making any false move, figure out every step, think the prose and cons, weight your options and if things point out positively then its your chance to charge.
Life is fair if you know how to use your defenses, do not expose yourself to the possibility of losing, point out your goal and you can live life to the fullest.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

On Going Home...

It has been almost five years since i last went home, and after five years my mom is asking me for a visit, she said she misses me a lot, and i miss her so much too, i was once a mommy's boy and God knows how i miss her!
I terribly miss the way he hug and caress me, her kisses and strokes that never fails to remind and reassure me that i am, and will always be loved.
Unfortunately my brother is also living with her and until now, for the past five years I am still living in the past, I know that is too long to linger in the past but i cant help it, and until now i still think I'm in love with the woman he is married to.
I don't hate my brother because he married the woman of my dreams, but i don't know how will i be able to face them, and in going home i don't want them to know the real reason why i choose to work and live far from them.
My brother didn't know and i don't want him to know. This is my secret and i want it to be a secret forever.
I think I need more time, more time to heal the wound, more time for me to accept the truth, and more time for me to grow up.
Another year perhaps? Now i already started accepting the reality, But i need a little more time to understand this reality, as for my mother, she know i love her for i have been showing her how much i love her, unfortunately for me i let my heart fall on a trap of love that caused me a lot of trouble.
A piece of advice from a broken hearted, "Love is a feeling from the heart but needed the guidance of the mind".

On writing Tagalog!

I had been trying to write in the Filipino language, but unfortunately to my frustration, I am not satisfied with the outcome.
The words are just too vague or sometimes, i just cant find the exact words that fit, this frustrates me a lot because I am a Filipino and I am expected to speak and write the language fluently as possible.
When speaking Tagalog, the words come out and fit in easily, but when writing? oh, these words just keep filling me up and drown me in confusion.
Well I just wanna share that to you, You don't have to react, I just want that off my chest hehehehe!

Monday, March 24, 2008

And he said "You are a river, a very strong river"...

Ang buhay daw ay parang tubig, patuloy itong aagos, at kahit na harangan man, ito ay patuloy pa ring aagos at maghahanap nang butas na susuutan upang maituloy ang kanyang paglalakbay.
Tumanim ito sa aking isipan, ang buhay ay parang tubig, ang mga harang ay masasabing problema na siyang nagsisilbing harang, kung minsan ang mga problema ay sobrang malalaki at parang kay hirap lusutan, parang mga tanong na wala nang katugunan, subalit sabi nga kung ang problema ay di mo pwedeng hakbangan, pwede mo naman itong lusutan sa ilalim, ikaw ang may katawan at ikaw ang nakakalam kung ano ang iyong mga kalakasan, kung hahayaan mo na ang mga problema ay patuloy kang harangan, wala ka nang aasahan umunlad pa.
May kasabihan sa ingles, "If you cannot overcome a problem , then find a way to undercome it", at ito naman ay talagang epektibo, kailangan mo lamang nang konting alalay sa mga kaibigan at nagmamahal sa iyo, sapagkat gaano ka man kasama, may mga tao pa ring nagmamahal at patuloy na magmamahal sa iyo.
Sa aking sitwasyon ang kalabit ay nangaling sa hindi ko kakilala, nangaling ito sa isang taong bumasa sa aking sulat nang saklolo, at dahil sa kanyang mga salita, ako ay natauhan, sabi nga niya matatag ka at nasa iyong kamay ang ikakaunlad o ikakasira nang iyong buhay, masaya ang mabuhay, ang magtagumpay at makatikim nang pagkatalo ay paraan nang buhay upang ikaw ay umunlad ang kailangan mo lang ay buksan ang iyong isipan at lumaban.

tumingin ka sa langit!

tumingin ka sa langit
sa humihikbing bituin
sa bawat pagkislap
parang luhang nalalaglag

bakit kaya ang buhay
may ligaya't saya
may kalungkutan
sa puso at kaluluwa

bakit di na lamang
binuo nang maykapal
ang buhay na puno
nang ligaya't saya

at ang pagdaramdam
ay tuluyang mawala
ang kalungkutan
mapalitan nang saya!

tumingin ka sa langit
sa buwang nakapikit
tila nagaantay
nang isang pagibig

pagibig na tunay
pagibig na wagas
pagibig na magtatagal
pagibig na walang hangang!


if you lost in the battle of love!
felt pain and lost!
where will you find your courage back?
will you go back to the battlefield of love?

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Help me find my life back!

I love and lost and i was badly hurt, I fought the battle and surrendered instantly, and now i don't know how am i gonna start all over again.
I was a soldier ready to fought a battle, in full armor but i forgot to put the gear on my heart, and i was struck there, bullseye, there was no time react nor a moment to hesitate, i was struck and i was a goner.
After many years of searching myself after the battle i fought with my own brother, i am here again ready to love, accepted my defeat and ready to make one more step, one more chance for me,but the question is how am i gonna start?
I was badly hurt the first time, and now i am no longer the man who i was, the fighter was gone and i am afraid, now i am a loser.
The pain is always following me, always bothering me, i want to start but how? i want to step forward but how? i want to move on, but how?
It is very easy to say, move on terrence, live you're life, start all over again, But the question is How am i gonna start? I don't know!
I want to love, and experience once again the joy of loving and be loved, but how am i gonna do that?
My life is now full of questions, questions that i do not know where to find the answers, questions that would remain questions, I needed help, i wanted help very badly, Help me find my life back!

how can you heal a broken heart?

how can you heal a broken heart?
how can you make the pain go away?
Is there a medicine you can prescribe?
To heal a broken heart?

Why should there be a broken heart?
Why should someone be broken hearted?
Why should someone feel so much pain?
Why cant there be love for all?

Help me heal this broken heart!
Help me find ways to forget!
But how can you forget, Please do tell?
How can you forget the love of you're life?

They say that love makes the world go round
But why did love stopped mine?
And only pain it did gave me?
Is this the price of loving too much?

H E L P . . .

I don't know where i am going, i don't know where i've been... I am lost, and worst who am i?
For so long i been dreaming to express my self, for so long i want to be heard, to be free and to tell the world the real me, but the chance never came, the chance i been dreaming was out of my reach.
I want to scream, I want the whole world to know but how?
For so long i been hiding, hiding the real me, ashamed and afraid of what the world would tell, of what my parents, friends, would think, but i'm so full of hatred and guilt and i could no longer contain all these things inside, My hearts is could no longer bear the pain, and in any moment would explode.
I wish i had never been born, but life is full of color and light, of beauty and happiness but then all these things vanished as you came to my life.
I want to hate you, I want the world to know how i hated you, but then deep in my heart i know i love you so much, so much that i could give my life for you.
But life is not fair, why it has to be you? the pain is unbearable, it hurts me every time i see you with him, when it should be me caressing you.
I know you love him so much, as he loves you, but i could no longer bear he pain, I wanted to leave but all of you said "don't leave"," stay with us", but none o you knew the real reason why i"m leaving.
I loved you with all my heart and soul, but i wasn't given the chance to say, to prove and show you, and worst you became my brothers wife.
Life is really something, now i don't know where to stand, as a brother i love and honor him, he gave us things that no ordinary brother could give, but he stole the woman i love...
You do not know this, and now i don't know me either, I am no longer the person i know, i am lost and i don't know where to find my self, I am lost i the midst of the people who loved me.
I needed help, but where will i find it? I need someone to guide me, I need help!

Anyone? Anybody?

I cant take it anymore........